She existed…faceless, voiceless, unseen. Her thoughts rambling–in-cohesive…if I get it out on paper, it’s not screaming in my head. At least that’s what they say. I’m naked, open, vulnerable. Words no longer making sense–vibrating in my mind until they seep through the cracks of my skull…tired, worn and in need of rest from her own thoughts. That bit of knowledge escapes her though. She puts the journal down and throws the pen as far as she can and waits. Her big, beautiful hazel eyes following it as the pen sails through the air. She was hoping it would hit the water. Then she gets distracted–a problem in her life lately. The music gets louder–setting her thoughts free. She knows this song must have been written for her. The relief it brings to her soul is magical. Unaware that the music has brought her to her feet–she is spinning, arms stretched out catching the wind, carefree and weightless. Eyes closed and smiling she is that young girl again–lost in time. Refusing to reconcile the past and present, she spins faster and faster until her legs get tangled up in her long, white skirt. The fall is gentle as she lands in the sand. She is a beautiful mess… long, tangled, brown hair going every direction and sand sprinkled all over her now. She can’t help but giggle as she sits up wiping the sand off her mouth. Her smile gives way to sadness…her look becomes sullen and the tears come quickly. I’m living someone else’s dream; she lifts her head and screams, but only in her mind. Can anyone hear me?…running 100 miles an hour in the wrong direction–does anyone see me disappearing?
Everyone tells her she is fine, that it will all pass. It’s just a phase and her cup will overflow when she gets back up on her feet. The weariness cannot be hidden–her very footsteps revealing her angst…I don’t know where I belong or where I’m going. Living a thousand lives but none of them mine… I can’t do it anymore. She misses her–that reflection looking back at her. So many dreams shattered–gone forever. There are memories of a once carefree and happy girl. Entranced in her thoughts, she smiles and traces the outline of her face in the window of a busy coffee shop as she passes by it. She is unaware of the stares. She draws strength. I don’t know you but I want to…I have a choice…I have time… Is this my hopeful voice I hear?…
The sound of the waves crashing against the rocks lulls her to sleep. The tension along her forehead easing off as she gives into the peaceful sleep it brings her. This is all she wants at the moment–surrounded by her children, husband and the ocean. It’s never long enough–her thoughts creeping back in–exploding in her mind. Pain, anger and frustration return along with that all to familiar lump in her throat. Why is my heart restless?…I cannot be the only one feeling this way. Anger sets her on a path of self destruction but it will be friendship, love and acceptance that break her free from the valley of the shadow of death.
Life is hers for the taking–so many possibilities, so many choices. Dancing and singing on broadway and teaching children have danced in her mind for as long as she can remember. Her long, slender body, with all its’ grace and poise is a display of all she hopes for; each small tattoo revealing a layer of her dreams. But she is fearful of choosing the wrong one. Everyone wants something different for her. Everyone seems to know exactly what will make her happy… except her. Disappointment is her biggest enemy but not for herself. The thought of letting anyone down is unthinkable and certainly not acceptable. Where do I go from here?… She’s been taught love, shown strength and given hope. Opening her eyes, she allows herself to see life for the first time in a very long while. No longer afraid, no longer alone…
